Super Shamwow Batman!

A man demonstrates an sickeningly absorbent towel simply entitled the "Shamwow." It cleans up spills, polishes cars, washes dishes, and probably can preform a mess free abortion and so forth. (Click here to watch the ad.)

There's something that draws me to Vince and I'm tempted to buy all of these Shamwow's everytime I see the guy. It's not like he does anything that different than any other person who is trying to whore out a so-called miracle product on pay television, first Vince shows us the power of the shamwow, he gives us a time limit "but you have to call in the next 20 minutes, we can't do this all day" to get in on the amazing deal for all of these shamwows, but Mr. T does this very same routine his cooker that can cook anything. So why is it I trust Vince over T? I mean I'm just like everyone else and pity the foo' who don't dig T, but I have to go with Vince over T on this.

I suppose in part, it's the astonishing capabilities of the product. (Holds 20 times its weight in liquid! Instantly extracts cola spills from your carpet! Lasts for 10 years! I'm certain all of this is 100 percent true!) But lots of products make impressive claims. The real star here is Vince, who demonstrates an impressive and subtle mastery of the pitchman's art.
The first thing I notice is the physical grace. Vince puts the Shamwow through its paces with the fluid dexterity of a three-card monte dealer. Cleaning up spills appears not just effortless, but fun.
There's a genius, too, in his hectoring tone. He makes us feel like idiots for even entertaining the notion of not buying a Shamwow. "You're gonna spend $20 every month on paper towels, anyway," he says, palms up and head tilted back. He seems truly dumbfounded that anyone might fail to see the wisdom of dropping 28 bucks (including shipping) on a set of rags.
Vince also conveys a street-smart persona—with his headset microphone, rat-a-tat phrasing and fuhgeddaboutit confidence—that's intended to get the viewer thinking, "Hey, this guy's sharp. He knows a good deal." It may also get us thinking, "Hey, this guy's a douche. He needs a better haircut." But that's a secondary issue. As this Shamwow looks amazing!

I have to ask you something though, what other products would Vince be good at selling? Or what other professions could Vince put his selling skills into?

Male Prostitute (comes with a ten-year warranty, eh ladies?)
Serial Killer (I mean most are charming at first right?)
Tom Cruise's press secretary (can make anything seem worth buying into, hell Vince made the line "You know the german's make good stuff" sound like common knowledge)

But I suppose the real question isn't WHAT Vince would be good at, it's more of a question of WHEN will he be selling us other well-made German products.

-Forever Awkward
Thing 2